Monday, March 12, 2012

What's up with the silence?

I have this disease that I have no idea what the brainy Einstein people named it. But because of this 'abnormality' I forced myself to enroll in abnormal psychology class. And guess what I did managed to found the name of some my 'disease'. The teacher, Dr Afendi said all human being will "suffer" for at least one type of abnormality in his/her life.

I suffer a lot since I actually have this kind of stress that slowly develop since childhood.I have or should I say I don't have the guts to be open about how I feels, so I tend to AVOID and try my best to forget. Many knows me for being someone so brave but inside I'm actually fragile. The only way to build the brave shield is to be tough on myself. And that took years of hardwork. 

Whenever I am in a situation that I found uncomfortable I'll put on my brave face and people think this girl have no problem to handle such situation. But what many doesn't know is after I put on that brave face, my heart will slowly but rapidly scream "CUT IT OUT!"  and somehow it will grew louder but that will at least took minimum 6 hours to start crumbling destroying the brave face. At the mean time, during the 6 hour my brave face did a very good job hiding the aching heart and mind. 

After brave face time comes to an end and...if the source of aching come striking another attack, that's when I will totally break-down. The Tears as I call it will finally come and accompanied the aching heart. 

So, to avoid The Tears I have develop this habit of locking myself in Silence Mood. Simply because I can't handle The Tears and the aching part. And by the way, I never shared my tears, I'm always alone all this time. Being the eldest of 5, ALONE is no longer a stranger. 

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